I started this piece almost a year ago...better late than never (smile and sigh)

 

A little piece of my life....

Often, when confronted with my responsibilities I go into my "whipper snapper"' mode as my mother-in-law used to say.

My focus goes to the task at hand, the worry and fret, the push to accomplish.  Or...

My focus goes to the fear. 

Fear of failing my children, my God, my family or friends.  Fear that I'm missing out on life, the best moments...because I'm struggling to just keep my head above the water of life's persistent demands.

Do you ever feel this way?

 

 

So rewind with me to June of 2012.  I had returned to running, little bits, here and there.  For the first time in 6 years I was not either nursing or pregnant.  It was a time of finding new footing in life, taking a few moments for myself so to speak.  Then in July I smashed my toe and couldn't run for about 2 weeks.  As July came to a close, my inner world was a heavy fog.  I felt like I was pushing through each day, not connected.  Feeling disheartened, feeling that ever present since of failure.

As I was able to return to running, I was noticing how it calmed my heart, centered my focus on what was meaningful to me.  It felt like Jesus was running along side of me many times.  During this time, I began running with a friend, usually 1 or 2 times per week.

 

At the end of our runs we would share a little, and many times we would pray.  We began opening up about our struggles and hurts, our joys and dreams as mothers, wives, and friends.  God was nurturing my heart through my sweet friend and running partner.

However as August neared its end I was still struggling emotionally.  Honestly, I didn't fully realize how sad my heart was until I went to a relative's house in August, and when she asked me how I was, I wasn't able to put on a happy face.  I was honest.  I was hurting. And I was truly questioning my abilities to mother and be emotionally available to my family.

 

She recognized in me grief that hadn't been grieved, and a soul that wasn't being given time to breath.  We had a lovely talk about grief, and carving out time to nurture our souls.  I took a run that next morning and the calm of the morning, the misty blanket over the lake, soothed me and I had peace.

As August turned into September I began focusing my running efforts on final preparation to run my first 10K.  I would be running the Great Columbia Crossing, from Dismal Nitch, WA to Astoria, OR. This race takes you a total of 6 miles, with 4 of them crossing a long and steady climbing bridge over the Columbia River.

 

We camped at the beach the Saturday night before the race.  I was so excited.  I had only done a couple 5K's up to this point.  I awoke to a foggy coastal morning, it was crisp and cold in the early fall air.  My hubby drove me to a drop off point where we were bussed to the starting point.  As the sun rose higher in the sky, the fog burned off, revealing a beautiful yellow and blue sky.

We all gathered at the starting line, readying our music, anticipation in the air.

 

And we were off.

I felt like lead.  My toes were numb, the middle of my back ached, the first mile was miserable.

 

 

Then we turned and began our trek over the bridge.  Suddenly everything came into line, my body loosened up, my breathing regulated, my feet found their rhythm and I was overwhelmed by this since of belonging.

Listening to the breathing of those around me, the patter of feet, all of us in the same zone, focused on the same goal, the same destination.  It was inspiring.

Each song that seemed to play made my heart soar and I began to feel God so close, it felt like the sun was his gentle hand upon my face.

And that's when I felt God say;

 "Leave the pain on the Bridge"

It was like a lightning bolt to my heart.

And as I finished the race and embraced my family, something had changed.

Because what Jesus was telling me is so simple, but so life changing that it freed me.

It meant, lay the fears down.  Truly.

Place them on the Bridge;

Jesus.  

Put all the fear of failure, of messing up and missing out, all the loss and grief at his feet.

 

 

 Jesus says,

"I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me."  

    Phillipians 4:13 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of instruction."  

    2 Timothy 1:7