How to start....
Let's rewind about 6 years. We had a new, prayed for baby girl. Life had been perking right along. I would lay in bed at night and listen to the soft breath of my little girl and count my blessings. We were in a time of peace. You know it...that time when all in life is flowing, loved ones well and alive, peaceful, welcoming home, harmony in life.
I remember being aware that this time was precious. It was as if subconsciously I knew that changes would come, that heart ache would be revealed. And so I would lay in my bed and pray and thank my Heavenly Father for all His blessings, for this life I had.
Those are the times to pay attention in life, to be present. To recognize God's peace and JOY. Because it can fortify you for what may lay ahead. I don't want to sound like a dooms day-er...I just want to share the journey.
Fast forward a year and we find out my sweet mother-in-law has breast cancer. Again. That fall I have an ectopic pregnancy that does not respond to treatment and end up in the ER with internal bleeding and go into shock. I experienced one of those moments when you know if you don't just focus on staying conscious you will die. That same week I get a phone call that my mom and step-dad of 20 years are getting divorced.
These events began one of the most difficult periods in my life. Which only now, am I realizing just how deeply they impacted me.
Fast forward another year later...we find out my mother-in-law has cancer in her lungs. And within 2 days we find out it is all over her brain. By this time we are JOYFULLY pregnant with our 2nd precious girl. I remember thinking, as we rushed my mother-in-law to the hospital, please Jesus, protect this little forming child from the stress and grief in my soul. That little babe, not yet born, had to endure this mama's grief and stress, and all those hormones in the womb.
Over the next year we would lose her, Claudia. My vivacious, self-sacrificing, prayer warrior mother-in-law.
At the same time, I was losing in ways, my own Mother as she journeyed through divorce.
And the crazy thing is, I was a mother, trying desperately to hang on for dear life, so in need of these two beautiful woman, and yet realizing I was alone. That really we are all alone when it gets right down to the tough, ugly things in life. That really the only person that could fully be present for me was, JESUS.
Over that year of losing Claudia, we also watched the housing market crash in California. The house that we had saved for, waited to have little ones for, was a mill-stone around our necks.
It was a time of utter sorrow, and yet utter JOY. We had precious little ones that filled our days with new revelations and JOY. And which also rendered us sleep deprived and emptied out emotionally. At a time when all the rest of life was doing the same.
I can truly say that if I did not have the love of Jesus and my sweet husband during that time....the hope that this life is not what it all boils down to...I would not still be standing.
We laid to rest our sweet Claudia on September 29, 2008. She was able to meet our 2nd born. She was able to kiss us all good bye, we were able to say everything we needed to say to each other. To hold her. She died in her home with her children and husband around her, singing her to sleep in Jesus.
Five days later, October 4, 2008, we had a celebration of life for her. It was at her church, it was packed. It was one of the most beautiful services I have every attended. So full of the Spirit, such a testimony of a life spent serving Jesus. Of serving your family, your friends. It was a service that called all to turn to Jesus, no matter what.
In that audience, sat my father. He had driven from Colorado, picked up his mother in Oregon, and traveled several hours to be with us at the memorial service. He had gone out of his way to show up. This man who had been there at my birth. Who had so badly wanted his family and yet the addiction to alcohol was greater than that want. Who had been changing, little by little. Who upon the birth of his first granddaughter started showing up in our lives. Investing. Giving. Loving. Caring. I am so thankful for those 4 years prior to that night, for the growing that happened in our relationship. It wasn't perfect, and there was a lot that still needed to be said, but knowing what I know now, I cherish every bit of that time.
Because, that night, on the way home from the service, he and my grandmother, his momma of 51 years, crashed. Hit a free range cow in the middle of a foggy, rainy, country road. It killed him instantly.
And in that moment, we were robbed. Robbed of continued relational growth, in finding resolution and forgiveness in our rocky relationship with each other.
My sweet husband had to lay awake that night, from midnight on, holding this bomb shell. We had been so exhausted after all we had gone through with his mother's illness. With a baby still up at night nursing. He knew I needed sleep. So he lay there, after talking to my Aunt and finding out the news. Waiting. Praying. Holding it.
I will never forget that morning. Awaking with my little suckling child. Walking out of the bedroom, at my father-in-law's house. My husband saying, "Rachel, give the baby to dad, I need to talk to you about something". And then the news. He is gone. Killed.
Such FEAR raced into my heart. Fear of not seeing my dad again. Fear that he was not saved. All my life I had prayed for my father. That he would find a saving relationship with Jesus. That we would have heaven to love each other, since on this earth, we had struggled to be connected and have a meaningful relationship.
And just as fast as the crippling fear raised its ugly head, MY JESUS, shouted to me...I AM MIGHTY TO SAVE!!!!!
It was one of those moments that stand still. That you know the Almighty, Powerful, Awesome God, has spoken,
PEACE, like a fine, soft dew settled on my heart.
There was still much grief. I still had many nights of tossing and turning and soaking my pillow with the tears of regret. Regret that I had not had more GRACE in my heart, when at 19 I walked down the isle and wouldn't let him walk with me. Regret that I hadn't spoken up and apologized, said all the things that you always want to say but that you think there will be a better moment to share.
And again, JESUS was near. He walked that lonely road of regret, sadness, fear, and deep sorrow with me. He took it all. He lightened my burden. He released me from the hurt.
On that night, October 4, 2008, I believe my father found peace and salvation in Jesus Christ. I believe that Jesus saved him. From this world of addictions, from his past, from the future. I believe that the memorial ceremony was heart changing for him.
You see my mother-in-law, Claudia, was a prayer warrior. And through the 12 years of knowing my dad she had prayed for him. Reached out to him. And I believe that ministry was brought to harvest in the death of my father. I believe that God is never late, and He is never early. And that He is out to save us. Save us from sin, save us from ourselves.
I trust that I will see my dad again, in Heaven's Glory. That on resurrection morn, our sweet Claudia and my precious father will embrace and that all the questions of, "Why God, why is this all happening?" will be answered.
It would take me till September 30, 2012 to truly grieve and morn these losses. And the final healing started with running. Thus the title of this blog. But I will save that for another day.
